Postpartum (Part III): My Redemption
Surviving to Thriving
Here I am, two weeks and two days postpartum with my second child. I’m sitting on my couch watching TV with my husband, my toddler is napping, my newborn is swaddled up beside me and I’m pumping with my wearable breast pumps while typing up this blog post. If after my first postpartum experience you told me that I would be well rested, feeling like myself and actually enjoying the newborn phase with a toddler, I would say you’re nuts. However, here I am…doing all that and more. WOW does this feel good! I truly am beyond proud of myself!
For anyone who has not read my previous blog posts, I want to let you know that fortunately this experience was the complete opposite of what I experienced with my now two year old daughter - like total 180! If you’d like to read about my S show of a postpartum journey, you can read both of my blog posts about that below…
Postpartum (Part II): Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy
Before I dive into this, I want to remind you that every single postpartum journey is different for everybody, even for the same person. If you’re having baby #2, #3 or #4 etc., or maybe you’re having your first, that doesn’t necessarily mean that you will feel the exact same way that you did with your previous pregnancies, labor/deliveries and postpartum. You may find that it’s similar, or it could be completely different. There is a lot that can go into how you are doing physically, mentally and emotionally after you have your baby: the amount of help you have, how your labor and delivery went, your baby’s temperament, your hormones, feeding journey etc. So, if you’re reading this and you’re someone who really struggled the first time around, I want you to know that it doesn’t necessarily mean you will have the same experience with your second. It is possible that you can actually have a good experience. So many women do! However, lots have it tough too. The purpose of this blog post is to share with you the things I did that helped me have a better experience this time around, so that hopefully you can too!
When I found out I was expecting Calvin, it was honestly a mix of emotions. I was so excited to have another baby! However, I was also nervous because I really wanted to avoid having the same postpartum anxiety and depression I had with my daughter. That was constantly in the back of my mind. From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I started to think about how I could try and set myself up for success after I had Cal. It was such a dark time that I would never wish on anyone. I always knew that I wanted at least two kids. To be honest, for a few months after having Abby, I was set on not having another. Yet, here I am, doing it all over again. It’s truly amazing what women’s bodies go through.
I know this may sound crazy, but I feel like I really did manifest this positive postpartum experience for myself! As I said above, there are some things I knew I couldn’t control, like the fluctuation of my hormones, my milk coming in (or not), the baby’s temperament, how my body heals, baby’s needs and patterns, etc. I reflected back on my first postpartum experience and tried to pinpoint…where did it all go wrong? Were there things that maybe I could have controlled better? I didn’t reflect on this to critique myself, because despite my tough time, I am extremely proud of myself for getting through it and doing all that I did to help myself. I genuinely tried to learn from that experience and think about what I could do differently the second time around. The one thing I kept going back to was my mental health. Physically, I had a pretty straight forward recovery, but the mental part was REALLY where I struggled. Thinking about it even more, the three things that made my mental health tank (and majorly contributed to my postpartum anxiety and depression) were lack of sleep, feeding, and my long labor and start to postpartum. Let’s talk about each one and how I decided to go into this postpartum journey with a plan for each of these negative postpartum triggers.
Lack of Sleep
Sleep put me over the edge last time. I didn’t sleep for 7 days straight. Listening and talking to other moms, I know that there are parents who can run off of broken sleep for months, even years. They can get 3-4 hours of sleep continuously and be tired, but survive. That’s not me and never will be me. I need sleep. More specifically, decent stretches of sleep longer than 2-3 hours. I need my sleep to keep me healthy, to be the best mom and wife I can be and to protect my mental health. Last time, I literally got sick because I didn’t sleep. I ended up in the hospital with a weak heart muscle due to all of the stress I went through postpartum. Knowing how important sleep is, not only for me, but every other parent out there, that is why I became a sleep consultant. I know that lack of sleep is something that can contribute to declining mental health. There are actually a handful of studies that have looked into postpartum sleep for new mothers. The findings do show that getting longer stretches of sleep (5 hours+) vs. fragmented sleep (2-3 hour stretches) is a major factor that plays into postpartum anxiety/depression and overall mental health. I linked two of them below for you to look at!
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/23733081/
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0146000524000818
To help make sure that I was able to get some decent stretches of sleep, I decided to do a few things differently this time around. First, I continued to take Lexapro. After postpartum with my daughter, medicine was one of the things that helped me get back to feeling like myself. I know some people don’t like to admit or talk about this, but I think it’s important to talk about because it is something that helps lots of people, not just postpartum, but in general. I could not shut my brain off due to lots of anxiety and feeling completely overwhelmed. Lexapro enabled me to relax my brain and body. It lessened the amount of anxiety I felt and helped me sleep better. I talked with my doctors prior and I actually upped my prescription and had it ready to pick up on my way home from the hospital just because I knew that having a newborn, toddler and being postpartum would be a lot for me. This definitely made me feel more confident and calm this time around! When my head hit the pillow and I woke up knowing I actually was able to sleep, it was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.
The other thing I decided to do was to really prioritize my sleep. I tried to do this last time, but it was way easier said than done. My mom and dad flew out to Michigan about 5 days prior to my due date. The first week of me coming home from the hospital, I did not have any overnight baby duty. Between my mom, dad and husband, they split the nights into three shifts with Calvin. They were so supportive and really wanted me to sleep since they all knew that last time that DID NOT happen. My mom took Cal from 9pm-12am. My husband from 12am-3:30am and my dad from 3:30am-7am. This meant that I was able to get one week of solid night sleep and focus on resting my body and recovering (I just woke up once to pump at 1:30am). This really helped me feel well rested and start off postpartum on a good note! This was my game changer. I am extremely lucky (and aware that not everyone has this luxury) of having family come and help, but it is something that I know helped a ton in making this an enjoyable time for me. I know that night nannies/doulas are also a luxury to have and unfortunately many insurances don’t cover them. Hiring one for even 1 or 2 nights a week could help you get those longer stretches of sleep if that’s something you are thinking could help you too. Waking up rested and not feeling like a zombie was an amazing feeling and exactly what I needed!
Feeding
Breastfeeding also put me over the edge last time. I didn't realize how much the mental and physical load of waking up every 3 hours in those first few weeks would be. Knowing that I was the only one that was able to feed my child was something that affected me. I know that reading this you might be thinking, it’s only every 3 hours, just suck it up. Trust me, I know that’s how it seems, however, when you’re in the trenches of PPA & PPD, it’s awful. You’ll never know the feeling unless you experience it. All I remember was after finishing a feed, setting my alarm for 3 hours and thinking about having to get up and do it all again in another 2.5 hours. On top of this, to be completely honest, I hated breastfeeding. I know this sounds harsh, but it’s the truth. I was in pain, I didn’t want to do it, and didn’t feel that “close bonding” that lots of moms talk about. This, mixed with no sleep, depression and anxiety equaled disaster and lots of tears.
Although I didn’t love breastfeeding and it was not something that I deep down really wanted to do, I definitely know and understand the importance of colostrum and breast milk. (Side note: One of the AAP’s safe sleep recommendations is actually to exclusively breastfeed for the first 6 months to help reduce the risk of SIDS, so as we know, it definitely is something that is beneficial for newborns). Exclusively pumping was something I did think about. However, I wanted to make sure I was getting good stretches of sleep in the beginning. Exclusively pumping would mean waking every 3 hours for the first few weeks and carrying the mental load of producing enough milk for Cal was something I knew that could put me into a downward spiral.
So, I decided to combo feed and it has been THE BEST decision that I have made for myself, my baby and family. This was also my gamechanger! My goal from the beginning was to give Calvin colostrum and some breast milk for the first few weeks of his life. This was a very attainable goal I set for myself. At 2 weeks and 2 days old, I am proud to say that he predominantly has breast milk bottles - about 75% of the time or more.
Trust me, I know that 2 weeks of pumping doesn’t sound like anything crazy, but to me it is! I know moms who pump or breastfeed for years. That is truly amazing and I don’t know how they do it! In my previous blog post, I talked about one of the main lessons I learned when first becoming a parent was that it was so important for me not to compare myself to others. I am taking this combo feeding journey day by day, even hour by hour. Setting a realistic goal (giving Cal colostrum and some breast milk for the first few weeks of his life) was what was important to me. Achieving this goal and even doing more than I planned is great and has also helped me feel better this postpartum period. Again, I am so proud myself!
After talking with a lactation consultant, we came up with a plan where I could meet my needs: prioritize my sleep, give Cal colostrum and breast milk and not feel like I had to produce a certain amount of milk for him to help reduce my anxiety. The thing that I loved most about combo feeding is that whenever I’m ready to wean and pumping gets to be too much, I can start weaning. Right now, with my husband on paternity leave, I feel like my current pumping schedule is working for me. I’m not stressed and hopefully can continue this for a little while longer and continue to feed him with breast milk.
After Cal was born, I started hand expressing colostrum. I fed him with syringes to get that liquid gold in him, since I didn't want to breastfeed. Then, once my milk came in, I started pumping every 3 hours for 6 minutes during the day. When it comes to the night time, I would pump every 6 hours for 8 minutes. This is not a full pump session. I started this way knowing that I would eventually switch to formula. It just so happened that I have an oversupply, so I produce a lot for him and am able to give him more than I thought! I’m able to collect breast milk (about 4-6 oz per session). This also helped with the initial engorgement when my milk came in. During the night, being able to stretch pumping sessions to every 6 hours allowed me to get some good sleep and only pump once around midnight/1am. If I ever have another child (who knows - ha) I definitely will combo feed again. Taking to a lactation consultant about how to come up with a plan for you to meet your goals of feeding (and maximizing sleep) could be something that helps you feel your best postpartum too!
Long Labor and Start to Postpartum
My long labor is also what put me over the edge last time. I drank a labor smoothie at 39 weeks pregnant. I know a few people who have done this and even texted me asking for the recipe, but for me, I did not like this! After drinking it, my labor lasted about 36 hours and definitely took a toll on my body. I think what happened was that the labor smoothie made me have contractions, but my body wasn’t ready to give birth yet. I started having intense contractions every 4 minutes, but I wasn’t dilating at all.
This time, I decided to let my body do what it was meant to do and not drink a labor smoothie! I did the miles circuit, which is basically three positions to help with labor. Once I made it to my due date, I talked with my OB. At this point, I was 3cm dilated and 70% effaced so we decided to go ahead with an induction. Everything went smoothly and I’m so glad my labor was quicker and easier this time around! Since my labor wasn’t long, this helped me not start off postpartum exhausted. I know that controlling how long your labor takes is something that is mostly out of your control, but eliminating that labor smoothie this time around was something I could control!
If you struggled, I highly recommend trying to think about what were your trigger points of postpartum. Then, think about how you can go into your next postpartum period and try to not have those same things weigh you down. Maybe even take some of the things that I mentioned above and see if they can help you if what you struggled with was similar to what I went through!
Lastly, I want to end with this. When I was pregnant with Cal, I pretty much asked everyone I knew…which transition was harder: 0-1 or 1-2. To my surprise, most people said 1-2. I was like oh great, I’m so screwed! However, I want to tell you that for me and all I went through with Abby, 0-1 was IMMENSELY harder for me. So far, 1-2 has actually been enjoyable. Even though I'm only 2 weeks in, I think this will stay true *knock on wood*! Now don’t get me wrong, two kids is not a walk in the park by any means. It’s tough and chaotic at times for sure, but 0-1 was by far the hardest transition for me.
The other thing I want to share is that in my opinion, pregnancy with a toddler is worse than a newborn with a toddler! I remember when I was in my third trimester, I was aching and exhausted and thinking oh my gosh I can’t wait to get this baby out. Now that he’s out and I’m 2 weeks recovered, I feel WAY better than I did pregnant.
Remember mama - YOU GOT THIS! The sleepless nights and newborn trenches are a phase and this season WILL pass. Take care of you, do what is best for you and your family. Please reach out if you ever want to talk about your postpartum experience. I love sharing my story and learning about yours. Talking about the positive, the negative, the good, the bad and the ugly is important!
